What To Do When Someone You Love is Struggling

By Kelly Clarke, LMFT-S

We’ve all been there—watching someone we care about slowly unravel under the weight of grief, anxiety, depression, burnout, or life just generally being too much.

Our instinct? Help them. Fix it. Make it better.

So we ask: “What do you need?”

It feels caring. But here’s the problem—when someone is in crisis, their brain may not know what it needs. And asking that question can feel like being handed a restaurant menu in a language you don’t speak.

When we’re stressed or overwhelmed, our prefrontal cortex (the part of the brain that makes decisions and plans) can go offline. This leaves the amygdala—the brain’s fear/alarm system—running the show. Psychologists call this cognitive load: when mental energy is maxed out, even small decisions feel exhausting.

So when we say “What do you need?”, we’re giving them homework. Homework they can’t finish right now. Instead, research (Uchino et al., 2018) shows that specific, concrete offers are far more helpful. And—bonus—you get to set the boundaries of what you’re comfortable doing.

Here’s how to be a steady, supportive force without accidentally making things harder.

1. Be Their “Borrowed Brain”

When someone’s stressed, anxious, or depressed, brain chemistry shifts. The amygdala—the threat detector—takes the wheel, while the prefrontal cortex—in charge of planning and decision-making—slips into the back seat, scrolling Instagram and ignoring directions.

Translation? Even small choices like “What’s for dinner?” can feel as overwhelming as filing taxes in a foreign language. That’s why “Let me know if you need anything” often goes nowhere. It’s not that they don’t want help—it’s that deciding what to ask for feels impossible. Your job is not to control the situation, but to narrow the mental menu so they can choose without draining the little cognitive energy they have left.

Try giving two or three specific, easy-to-answer options—all of which you’re genuinely okay with following through on:

• “I can drop off dinner on Wednesday or Friday—what works better?”

• “I’m heading to Target—want me to grab you coffee, snacks, or a blanket fort starter kit?”

• “I have a free hour Saturday—do you want company for a walk or someone to sit quietly with you?”

This does a few things at once:

• Removes decision fatigue by making the choice smaller and simpler.

• Communicates availability without over-promising, so you keep your own boundaries intact.

• Gives them a sense of control at a time when much of life feels uncontrollable.This reduces decision fatigue, respects your boundaries, and gives them a sense of control when life feels chaotic.

  
  

Think of it like holding an umbrella in the rain—you can’t stop the storm, but you can help them stay a little drier.

2. Listen Like It’s a Skill (Because It Is)

When someone you care about is hurting, your brain might immediately shift into problem-solving mode. You want to connect the dots, figure out what’s wrong, and deliver the perfect fix.

The trouble? That “detective” approach often makes the other person feel like they’re under investigation instead of being understood. Instead, try presence over probing. There’s powerful neuroscience behind it: studies show that feeling truly heard can reduce cortisol (the body’s main stress hormone) and boost oxytocin (the hormone linked to bonding and trust). In other words, good listening doesn’t just feel nice—it changes the body’s chemistry in ways that promote calm and connection.

How to Listen Like You Mean It (Without Playing Therapist)

• Put away distractions. No phones, no emails, no side conversations. Your attention is the gift.

• Let them set the pace. If they’re talking slowly or circling around the point, resist the urge to hurry them along. Their processing speed might be slower right now—and that’s okay.

• Use gentle, open prompts. “Tell me more about that.” or “That sounds hard—what’s been the toughest part for you?” give them space without steering them in a direction they’re not ready to go.

• Mirror, don’t diagnose. Reflect back what you hear (“It sounds like you’ve been feeling really stuck lately”) instead of jumping to labels or solutions.

• Pause before you respond. Silence might feel awkward to you, but it often gives the other person permission to keep going, or the breathing room to collect their thoughts.

You’re not here to fix their story—you’re here to be a safe place for them to tell it. Think of it like holding a bowl while they empty out what’s in their hands. You don’t have to rearrange the contents or decide what to keep—you’re just making sure nothing spills on the floor.

3. Validate, Don’t “At Least” Them

When someone’s hurting, the first thing they need isn’t perspective—it’s to feel understood. Emotional validation calms the limbic system (your brain’s emotion center), quiets the amygdala’s “danger” signals, and helps the prefrontal cortex (logic and problem-solving) come back online.

That’s why “At least…” comments often backfire. While well-meant, phrases like “At least it’s not as bad as…” or “You’ll get over it” can make the other person feel dismissed or overreactive.

Swap:

• “At least it’s not as bad as—” ❌

• “You’ll get over it.” ❌

For:

• “That sounds really overwhelming.” ✅

• “I can see why you’d feel that way.” ✅

• “It makes sense this is hard.” ✅

Validation doesn’t mean you agree with everything—it means you recognize their emotional reality. And when people feel understood, they’re more likely to open up to solutions later.

Think of it as emotional first aid: stop the bleeding first, then work on the recovery plan.

4. Respect the Two-Way Street of Support

You’re not a 24/7 crisis hotline (and you shouldn’t try to be). Boundaries protect both of you. Overextending yourself can lead to compassion fatigue—the burnout that comes from chronic caregiving.

Some scripts that work:

• “I’m here to listen for the next 30 minutes, then I need to log off.”

• “I can help you move this weekend, but I can’t commit to helping with the unpacking.”

• “I can pick you up from your appointment, but I can’t stay after.”

Boundaries aren’t cold—they’re the reason you can keep showing up without collapsing.

5. Nudge Toward Professional Help (Without Making It Weird)

If what they’re facing is ongoing, intense, or outside your ability to help, therapy, counseling, or medical care can be life-changing. Research consistently shows that professional interventions reduce distress, improve coping skills, and lead to better long-term outcomes.

How to bring it up without making it sound like you’re trying to get rid of them:

• “You don’t have to carry all of this by yourself—there are people who can help.”

• “Would you like me to help you look for a counselor?”

• “If you want to try therapy, I can send you a couple of options.”

Professional help doesn’t mean you’ve failed them—it means you’re expanding their support team.

6. Care for Yourself Like It’s Part of the Job

Because it is. Studies on caregiver stress show that neglecting your own well-being makes you less able to support others. So, yes—eat the lunch, take the walk, vent to your own people, and get enough sleep.Supporting someone else shouldn’t mean burning your own life down.

7. Remember: Small Consistency Beats Big Gestures

Grand declarations are nice, but daily acts of steady support matter more:

• A check-in text: “Thinking of you—no need to reply.”

• Dropping off their favorite snack.

• Sending a meme that made you laugh.

Research on long-term social support finds that reliable, low-pressure contact is one of the biggest predictors of someone feeling truly cared for.

The Bottom Line

The worst thing you can do for someone who’s struggling is make them direct their own rescue. Offer clear, doable choices, respect your boundaries, and remember—being present often matters more than any single act of help.

Because at the end of the day, the science and the heart agree on this:

“I see you. I’m here. And you don’t have to figure this out alone.”

If you or someone you love could use a safe place to talk, our team at ABC Counseling Inc. is here to listen, support, and guide—with compassion, evidence-based care, and maybe even a blanket fort starter kit.