Venting: Why It Doesn’t Always Feel the Way You Think It Should

Kelly Clarke
Oct 22
2 min read

We’ve all been there. You’ve got feelings brewing inside you — frustration, overwhelm, maybe that one snarky comment from your coworker that’s been living rent-free in your brain all week.

And you think:

I just need to vent.

The idea is that venting will feel like blowing off steam: you let it out, you feel lighter, your friend nods in solidarity, and you both move on.

But sometimes? It feels less like letting off steam and more like chugging gasoline and lighting yourself on fire.

Why the Meme Gets It Right

The Oatmeal’s cartoon perfectly captures the difference:

How venting is supposed to feel: You unload the fiery frustration, it dissipates, and you walk away calmer.
How it actually feels sometimes: You rehash everything, feed the flames, and end up more worked up than when you started.

That’s not because you’re “bad” at venting — it’s because our brains are wired in tricky ways.

The Science-y Bit

When we vent, we replay the stressful event in vivid detail. Our brains often can’t tell the difference between the memory and the event itself, so we re-experience the same stress response: elevated heart rate, tense muscles, all of it.

If the conversation is just a replay without moving toward processing or problem-solving, it can actually amplify the emotional charge instead of releasing it.

Think of it like poking at a bruise — you’re keeping the discomfort fresh.

How to Vent Without Fueling the Fire

Ask for the kind of support you need. Do you want your friend to just listen? Offer advice? Distract you? Let them know.
Set a time limit. Give yourself a window to vent (say, 10 minutes) and then shift to a different topic.
End with a grounding step. After you vent, do something that regulates your nervous system: deep breathing, a walk, music you love, or even a funny TikTok break.
Mix venting with reflection. Ask yourself: What do I need right now? What’s in my control? What’s my next step?

The Takeaway

Venting can be healthy — but like hot sauce, it’s all about the dose. Too much, and you’re not clearing the heat… you’re just making the burn worse.

Next time you feel yourself about to “chug the gasoline,” take a breath, set your intention, and make sure your vent session is about release, not re-fueling the flames.

Your friends (and your nervous system) will thank you.