Don’t fear the fight, embrace it!

By Cameron Barndt, LMFT-A

I think the most common issue I come across when working with couples is the fear of the fight. This makes sense on the face of it; I mean who wants to fight with their partner? Fights are unpleasant, involve confrontation, a statement of boundaries, and fights mean putting our needs on equal ground to that of our partners. So we avoid them, we leave things unsaid, swallow our pride, and hope those feelings go away. However, throughout the history of mankind this has never been shown to work. So what does avoiding the fight cause? What is the harm that consistently brings couples to seek out counseling? In short, avoiding confrontation causes the relationship to rot.

All wounds, big or small, have the ability to fester when ignored. By avoiding the fight, we leave our emotional wounds untreated. As a result, the aspects of the relationship that hurts or frustrates us stays unchanged. These unchanged aspects leave our frustrations to grow larger and bury themselves deeper into the relationship. Built up over time these frustrations become a time bomb that will eventually go off, be it in ten days or ten years. Now, instead of one act or aspect that we need our partners to act upon, there are five, ten, or even more that erupt from our mouths like a volcano spewing forth all that has built up.

Even worse than this eruption of rot is how it grinds us down. That rot begins to rob us of our hope, our motivation, and even our love. We begin to dread the times we get to be with our partner because not only might they do something to add to this growing pile of rot, but just being around them becomes this reminder of all that we are avoiding. 

The answer to this rot is not in of itself complicated, but it is unpleasant. We have to embrace the fight. Only by facing it and becoming comfortable with the possibility of the fight will we be able to keep the relationship from rotting. We need to talk to our partners about our needs, our boundaries, and the changes that we want for the relationship. To let them know how we are feeling, and what they can do to help. This allows for grievances and concerns to be acted upon, and helps to provide our partners with a roadmap of how best to help us. 

In doing this we not only keep our own frustrations and struggles from beginning to rot, but we also help to reduce our partners stress, allowing them the confidence that they know what we are feeling and what our needs are rather than having to guess. Like most things, confrontations have a place in our lives. When these fights are small, and spread out over time they help to keep the relationship healthy. Just as we would want our partners to tell us about their needs, we have to be willing to do the same. It's not a relationship if one person is the rock, only supporting their partner with no needs of their own. It can only be a relationship when the needs of all partners are placed on equal ground.